Icebreaker:

Author Evelyn Waugh, when asked how he reconciled his private conduct (e.g. stained by offenses against chastity and sobriety) with his public beliefs (i.e. he argued for the operations of divine grace). His reply has become celebrated: How much worse would I be if I were not a Catholic?  How much worse would you be if you were …?  Pick one: (above the law, capable of making yourself invisible, infinitely wealthy, a “made man” (woman), God, a god, a devil-with-a-blue-dress-on)  How do you go about reconciling your private conduct with your public beliefs?

Question of the Night: 

Following an assassination attempt by an insane black woman in 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. issued a press release reaffirming his belief in “the redemptive power of nonviolence ~ I felt no ill will toward Mrs. Izola Currey and know that thoughtful people will do all in their power to see that she gets the help she apparently needs if she is to become a free and constructive member of society.  How hard is it to forgive those who currently and possibly never will acknowledge their misdeeds and will probably die threatening the peace of those who care for them?  For whom are you willing to risk probable personal scars for possible permanent change?

Other Questions:

From Christoph Luxenburg’s The Syriac-Aramaic Version of the Koran (a rare non-Arabic translation): The rewards of a “martyr” in paradise: the heavenly offering consists of sweet white raisins rather than virgins. How would your life be altered if you “found” that your beliefs were a result of “lost in translation”?  Do you seek paradise in sensuality or sustenance?

From Edward Gibbon, Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire ~ The various forms of worship, which prevailed in the Roman world, were all considered by the people to be equally true, by the philosopher as equally false, and by the magistrate as equally useful.  On the board of your life, is religion treated as king, rook, or pawn?  What happens to societies when the manipulations of religions go unchecked?

Following an analysis of slavery’s history as influenced by religion, this arguable aphorism emerged: The chance that someone’s secular opinion would cause the denunciation of slavery and racism is extremely high. The chance that someone’s religious belief would cause the denunciation of slavery and racism is quite small.  Why did organized religion play such a small role in slavery’s demise?   Does individual resolve eventually trump financial and power interests in the pursuit of freedom and justice for all?

Fill in the Blanks

Think of a time when someone disappointed you, hurt you or a loved one:

First: You are harmed in some way by _________ (church, family, friends, pub fools, etc.).  Next: You learn that what you attributed to malice is better explained by __________ (stupidity, ignorance, a forgivable error, substance abuse, immaturity, mental impairment, lack of self-awareness, overmedicating, under medicating, etc.).

Finally: Does your new-found understanding allow you to __________ (forgive, move on, discount the incident, cancel the hit, etc.)?

Of Politicians and Polish Sausage

An old popular saying (paraphrased) has it that ~ If you want to maintain your respect for a politician, or your appetite for sausages, you should take care NOT to be present when the former is groomed, or the latter is ground. What might the process of creating a religion look like?  What assumptions might you make about a religion’s origins, keeping in mind that the religion was put together before most people could read?

Ice Breaker Question:

New Year’s Resolutions: Do you make them?  If not, why not?  If so…Which one’s may bear fruit this year?  Which one’s have made the list before?  Which one’s are paradoxical to your current lifestyle or beliefs?

Question of the Night:

From his memoir American Drug Addict, Brett Douglas ~ I used drugs to elevate my mood.  Gratitude does the same thing.  If gratitude was indeed a guaranteed positive mood alterer, everyone would be a user.  How can one inject gratitude into one’s stream of life?  When gratitude does not deliver the desired effect for you, how do you react?  How do you correct your expectations or reactions when gratitude fails to gratify?

Other Questions:

Greek philosopher Epicurus (paraphrased) ~ Seeking modest, sustainable pleasure without pain and fear constitutes happiness in its highest form.  What words might you insert or append to this declaration to make it more realistic, attainable, or cogent?  How successful have you been (would you be) in trying to moderate your pleasure(s)?

William (George) Miller’s prophecies of the Second Coming did not occur as expected in the 1840s, yet a religion, the Bahá’í Faith, holds the attitude that his predictions of 1844 events were accurate (with varying explanations like Miller had the wrong continent, wrong year, and wrong Second Coming).  When a belief ignores visible evidence, is it because of the light or dimness?

John Clare (1793 – 1864) was “the greatest laboring-class poet that England has ever produced. However, in midlife, Mr. Clare was committed to an asylum. Dr. Matthew Allen wrote: He has never been able to obtain in conversation, nor even in writing prose, the appearance of sanity for two minutes or two lines together, and yet there is no indication of insanity in any of his poetry.   Poetry was John Clare’s conduit to making connection with community.  What other paths do complicated, intense, or timid individuals take to soulful expression?  Is it expressed in their work?  Their compassion?  Their effusiveness?  Their silence?

Karl Marx is often identified with the condemning quote: Religion is the opiate of the people.  To be fair, the entire metaphor reads: “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people”.  With a clearer and more complete understanding of another’s conflicting beliefs, what happens to your view of that person?  With a complete acceptance of a person, what happens to your prejudices toward their behavior?

Very Hairy (You’ll need a sharp razor)

Salman Rushdie’s novel The Satanic Verses includes an allusion to a possible incident in Islamic teachings where the prophet Muhammad mistook “satanic suggestion” for divine revelation.  The effect of publishing this book caused extraordinary international mayhem, seemingly out of proportion to the cause.  According to Hume’s razor: “If the cause, assigned for any effect, be not sufficient to produce it, we must either reject that cause, or add to it such qualities as will give it a just proportion to the effect.”  What are your thoughts on this particular historical episode or other events (whether personal or historic) where “cause doesn’t balance out effect”?

Optional (You’ll need a strong constitution)

Once upon a time, a young mother, named America, had a precocious child, named Maryland, who’s declaration to her fellow citizens stated: “Profane words concerning the Holy Trinity are punishable by torture, branding, and, at a third offense, death without benefit of clergy.”   Young America reprimanded her precocious Maryland with a paddle fashioned from the strong fibers of Article VI of her Constitution and the cohesive threads of her First Amendment.  This analogy can be applied to many young nations.  What are the signs that a country’s age has weakened the fibers and diluted the threads which, in the nation’s youth, required government by all of its people and tolerance of all of their beliefs?

Ice Breaker Question:

Headline 12/7/2017 MSNBC: Man rescues rabbit from wild fire in California.  Did you see this?  A man hopping up and down in hairy panic, focused on something or someone, with the raging wildfire in backdrop.  A tiny wild rabbit (probably a hare), marched across this flaming stage unhinged (presumably singed), into the arms of a man named Oscar (possibly a future Tony) and disappears into the night (surely daytime, but with all the smoke…).  What was your gut reaction when you first saw this or heard about it?  The comments on this news story contained some maligning of the harey Samaritan. What detriment did he done did?

Question of the Night:

Mahatma Gandhi ~ “Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologize for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you’re right and you know it, speak your mind. Speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.”  Describe the ripple effect of contentment with the accommodation of a lie.  Describe the immediate disruption for pursuit of an unpopular truth.  Which has more prevalence?  Which has more impact?

Other Questions:

From the book ‘Autumn,’ by Karl Ove Knausgaard ~ To turn 40 (pick an age) is to realize that one’s limitations will last one’s whole life through, but also to know that all the time… new layers are being added to one’s character… What limitations of “self” do you believe are being referred to?  How does added character manifest itself over time?  If sterling character can be added over time, what are the personality flaws that might tarnish one’s character with age?

 Donald Trump ~ I’m automatically attracted to beautiful. Not surprising, we all are – by definition.  In Richard Prums’ new book, The Evolution of Beauty, he surmised that Darwin believed aesthetic mating choices were made largely by females. How does this idea scan with you?  What is your theory on who chooses who in a significant relationship?

Is Darwinism the culmination of Martin Luther questioning orthodoxy, rendering concepts like heaven and hell irrelevant?  If Darwinism trumps Creationism, what happens to heaven and hell?

Have you seen the Lactaid commercial?  A lactose intolerant woman drinking her Café au lait, is surprised by a sarcastic talking cow (is there any other kind?) who mo(o)cks her unsuppressed gastrointestinal stress by imitating flatulence, disturbingly, by slowly releasing air from an inflated party balloon.  A noble bovine appears and boots sarcastic cow out, then introduces the product Lactaid and states, “Try Lactaid, it’s real milk!”  How is food real if it is adulterated?  If nature joins compounds together and man puts then asunder, who is being served?  What is being served (Parkay?)  How can whole foods be of benefit when they are halved?

Not Recommended (if you scare) In 1973, Frenchy Fuqua, of the Pittsburgh Steelers football team, exhibited an obscure fetish (possibly Finnish).  He would wear platform shoes having see-through heels that contained water and a live tropical fish selected from his aquarium to match the color of the day’s outfit. In 1979, Steve Martin made us aware of the popular Mexican sport of cat juggling in his movie, “The Jerk”.  In 2006, Dubai hired a law firm when they were accused of trafficking boys to be used as camel jockeys in the United Arab Emirates.  Exploitation of vulnerable populations, though evolving and inventive, remains popular and robust even today.  What are the ingredients of exploitation that make its consumption so enduring?  What forms of exploitation or degradation do you find yourself standing up against?

Optional (if you dare) Inspired by Barbara Kingsolver’s book, “Flight Behavior” ~ You stepped out from a flourishing hill top on a moon lit evening into a mysterious valley and chased an alluring butterfly into the darkness until the phases faded from waxing enchantment to waning endurance and, finally, to the impossibility of a return.  What were the circumstances you left?  What were you chasing?  How do your current conditions compare to those once flourishing on the hill top in the moonlight once upon a time?

Ice Breaker Question:

 

Winston Churchill ~ A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.  You must be (or must have been) a fanatic about something, what is it?  Talk about the whats and whys?

 

Question of the Night:

Lee Gruenfeld ~ Religious fanaticism comes not from deep faith, but from a lack of it.
Fanatics – Beware! Being zealous for the Lord of Hosts [1 Kings 19] is not the same as being a fanatic. Fanaticism is a serious spiritual dysfunction.  What are some symptoms of religious fanaticism referred to here?  What specific examples of religious fanaticism have you witnessed?  Describe.

Other Questions:

 5 Plays by Moliere

Synopsis The Imposter ~ A pious fraud has incriminated himself beyond all help, yet his believers refuse to act to exile him.  Describe a life situation where your fanatic belief in a person or entity led to impossible choices or dreadful consequences.  How did the situation resolve?

 

Synopsis The Misanthrope ~ The cynic is tremendously unpopular, and he laments his isolation in a world he sees as superficial and base.  Talk about your experience of living by high standards in an earthly society.  When has isolation or escape worked to resolve social conflicts?

 

Synopsis The Middleclass Gentleman ~ Aspiring to something you can never be, brings mockery and exposes vanity, grifters who flatter you openly while despising you secretly and who seek to take your money.  What vulnerabilities and related calamities surfaced when you chose your path to high aspiration?

 

Synopsis The Hypochondriac ~ If you believe in a single system for a cure or a single person for all of your answers, your remedy will be the death of you not your illness. Talk about blind allegiance to the opinions of experts (Medical, Legal, Financial, Religion, Psychiatric, etc.) and actual or possible consequences.  What could be an antidote to fanatic allegiance to the vested interests of professional expertise?

 

Synopsis The Learned Ladies ~ Education and academic achievement become merely pretention and obsession when they overlook true desire and free will.  Reflect on the pursuit of education and the satisfaction or disappointment it has brought.  What learned ideal might you pursue today, given the opportunity?  Why?

 

Humor

 

Bertrand Russell ~ The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

Ice Breaker Question:   Tom Petty ~ Even the losers get lucky sometimes…

Diffusing the term loser, talk about a brief wondrous time in your life, a time that became way more than you expected and attends your memory even today.

Question of the Night:

Caleb Keeter (after the Las Vegas massacre) ~ I’ve been a proponent of the 2nd amendment my entire life, until the events of last night. I cannot express how wrong I was.
Talk about a once held righteous belief – you know you have them – that became a wrong reality when the deity of life coldly touched you.

Other Questions:

An MGM producer exposed himself to a 12-year-old child star at her first interview with that studio.

If you are the parent, this crime exposes what primal instincts?

If you are the studio executive, this producer exposes you to what corporate liabilities?

If you are the 12-year-old female child star, what sentiments might you secrete and to which must you adapt?

 

Psychological Theory 1 ~ Genius and madness are in no way incompatible.

Psychological Theory 2 ~ The time will come when science will be capable of “correcting” the brain of a psychopath, but this is unfortunately not yet possible.

What do you think about these two statements, or are they just craziness?

How might correcting a madman corrupt a genius, or do I need to dumb this down for you?

 

American journalists in North Korea ~ We also heard some people say that while they hate the American government, they harbor no ill will toward Americans and would prefer to live in peace. One woman was nearly in tears describing her mixed feelings about the United States.

Each of us has the capacity to distinguish between a nation’s people and a nation’s government.

What thoughts, emotions, puzzlements emerge when you think of North Korea, Russia, Iran?

What realities do the citizens in these countries have of Great Satan, Duke Nukem, Uncle Scam?

What causes dovish personal beliefs to morph into weaponized political agendas?

 

Lao Tzu ~ People often spoil their work at the point of its completion.  With care at the end as well as the beginning, No work will be spoiled.

Forty years ago, this October, the revered and reviled revolutionary Che Guevara met his fate in Bolivia when his adopted guerrilla tactics failed to adapt to local peasant sentiments.

In your experience, what personal or historical events have you witnessed where “People … spoil their work at the point of its completion.”

 

Democrats are concentrated in cities.  The House is controlled by the country.

If you have a home where the buffalo roam, is Rome just a big city infatuated with past glories, ruled by a complacent, greedy elite, and hopelessly powerless to respond to changing conditions?
Humor? History? Headlines?

Spain’s autonomous region of Catalonia, in a surge of nationalism, voted for secession recently.

Historically, Catalonia’s nationalism emerged haltingly when this sparsely populated domain on the Iberian Peninsula grew wildly and with difficulty.  In 878, King Louis II “The Stammerer” talked Charles “The Bald” into naming Wilfred “The Hairy” to head the nation of Catalonia.

Now, in 2017, nationalism seeks to denude Spain of its climacteric Catalans via secession.

Why do thriving states in secure nations seek secession?  If nationalism leads to autonomy, and autonomy leads to secession, what does secession lead to? Great nations rise from poverty through united progress and individual prosperity.  What naturally follows?

Ice Breaker Question:

Social media exploded last week when the president of North Korea out-Englished our president by tagging him as a DOTARD (dō-tərd).  Name-calling is a substitute for rational, fact-based arguments against an idea or belief.  In Paul Graham’s “Hierarchy of Disagreement”, he lists Name-Calling as the lowest type of argument in a disagreement, even behind Ad Hominem (attack on an opponent’s character).  What clever or archaic name-calling have you heard, used or remember from school, work, family or politics?  Describe the effect of name-calling in your experience.

Question of the Night:

Ephesians 4:29 ~ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

When do hurtful words evolve into corrupt acts?
Do you consider laughter the distinction between hurtful hostility and harmless humor in sarcasm?
Which is more important to you in debate, intelligent thought or tactical intent?

Other Questions:

Last year, before the election, a solitary NFL footballer, Colin Kaepernick, took to one knee during the national anthem in protest of police brutality against black Americans.  He is currently unemployed. Last week, our president said players who kneel during the anthem should be “fired” immediately. This past weekend, twenty-seven players from two NFL teams dropped down and took a knee on the field as “The Star-Spangled Banner” began.  No white players took a knee.  A journalist remarked, “The kneel will now become a sign of opposition to Trump.”  Is the formula for protest always a matter of growing numbers over exploited time?  Has last year’s “kneeler” lost his job and his social point (racist police brutality) to the now winning political stand of opposing Trump?

On this day in 1950, United Nations troops recaptured Seoul from North Korean forces.  However, China’s support enabled North Korea to fight the “police action” to an armistice and the two communist countries’ mutuality remains strong to this day.  Why? -> The North Koreans had provided great support in the previous Chinese Civil War between the Communists and the Nationalists.  They say Americans never learned history and their enemies and allies can’t forget it.  How important is history in understanding current events?  When has Nationalism been a result of selective forgetting?  Should history gain more emphasis in our schools?

In 1900, the War of the Golden Stool began in west Africa when the ruling British governor disrespected the local people by sitting on their Sacred Golden Stool.  Do you have “sacred” possessions or traditions in your house which when abridged make you fighting mad (or at least piqued)?

P.G. Wodehouse (creator of the fictional character Jeeves) ~ It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them. How do you score apology as an advancer or detractor in relationships?

Robin Bates ~ Work can ennoble, but not when we sacrifice our humanity to it.  Robin reached this conclusion after reading Rhina P. Espaillat’s poem Find Work which includes the lines…

[Her life]…spent in the lifelong practice of despair.
her country tongue and country heart anaesthetized and mute with labor. 
Have you found your labors at once economically sufficient but painfully self-sacrificial?

1. Whether parents realize it or not, every family has favorites.  Do parents realize they have a favorite? If or when a parent becomes aware of parental favoritism would or could anything change?  Can favoritism affect a child’s potential?
2. The best living arrangement of all (with regard to substance abuse) includes three adults – typically, mom, dad, and a grandparent.  However, 59% of children will live in a single parent household at some point in their formative years.  Children of single mothers had substance abuse problems only 1% greater than the children of two biological parents.  Explore and explain.
3. The one thing you can bet your paycheck on is the First Born Child and Second Born Child in any given family are going to be different.  If the second born is superior physically or intellectually, how does the first born cope?  Is the Second Born Child ever the favorite?
4. Scientists at Cambridge University have found that arguments between brothers and sisters actually increase social skills, vocabulary and development.  Chinese children do worse in [social skills] tests than British and American children because of [China’s] “one-child” policy.  Can China’s future international relations and policies be predicted by its now relaxed family planning experiment (1978-2015)?  Is it apparent in today’s headlines?
5. The First Born Child is a perfectionist, reliable, conscientious, a list maker, well organized, hard driving, a natural leader, critical, serious, scholarly, logical, doesn’t like surprises, a techie.  The Only Child is a super or extreme version of a First Born Child.  Are Only Child expectations positively extreme or morbidly excessive?

……………………………………………………..

The relationship of family to disease, addiction, sadness and happiness.

Birthing order and number of children.  Family situation both parents, one parent, divorce, widow, grandparents.

Family Favorites

Dr. Ellen Weber Libby, The Favorite Child,

Whether parents realize it or not, every family has favorites.

Does every family have favorites?  If children were parented equally would they turn out the same?

Do parents realize they have a favorite? If or when a parent becomes aware of parental favoritism would or could anything change?

Who fares better in the long run the favorite or the neglected?  Which is more difficult a family favorite who discovers the world doesn’t favor them or a neglected that the world seems to favor?

“If I were to be absolutely honest, my older son is my favorite.”

reductio ad absurdum

All families have favorites.

Family favorites do better.

Family neglected do worse.

Birthing Order

Dr. Kevin Leman, The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are,

The one thing you can bet your paycheck on is the firstborn and second-born in any given family are going to be different.  If the second born is superior physically or intellectually, how does the first born cope?

Is birthing order significant?  Is the first born always superior?  Is the second born always striving?

German researchers found that birth order had no effect on five key personality traits: extroversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness and imagination.

Scientists at Cambridge University have found that arguments between brothers and sisters actually increase social skills, vocabulary and development.

First is the Worst, Second is the Best, Third is the one with the Hairy ChestÖ

First born is worst born.

Second born is different and best.

If birth order has no effect on key personality traits, how is second born best?

Which Traits Fit You Best?
======================
Which of the following sets of personality traits fits you the best? You don’t have to meet all the criteria in a certain list of traits. Just pick the list that has the most items that seem to describe you and your way of operating in life.

A. perfectionist, reliable, conscientious, a list maker, well organized, hard driving, a natural leader, critical, serious, scholarly, logical, doesn’t like surprises, a techie

B. mediator, compromising, diplomatic, avoids conflict, independent, loyal to peers, has many friends, a maverick, secretive, used to not having attention

C. manipulative, charming, blames others, attention seeker, tenacious, people person, natural salesperson, precocious, engaging, affectionate, loves surprises

D. little adult by age seven, very thorough, deliberate, high achiever, self-motivated, fearful, cautious, voracious reader, black-and-white thinker, talks in extremes, can’t bear to fail, has very high expectations for self, more comfortable with people who are older or younger

If you noted that this test seemed rather easy because A, B, and C listed traits of the oldest right on down to the youngest in the family, you’re right.

If you picked A, it’s a very good bet you’re a firstborn in your family.

If you chose B, chances are you are a middleborn child (secondborn of three children, or possibly thirdborn of four).

If C seemed to relate best to who you are, it’s likely you are the baby in the family and are not at all happy that this book has no pictures. (Just kidding–I like to have a little extra fun with lastborns because I’m one myself. More on that later.)

But what about D? It describes the only child, and I threw it in because in recent years I have been getting more and more questions from only children because families in general are having fewer children. These only children (also known as “lonely onlies”) know they are firstborns but want to know how they are different from people who have siblings.

Well, one way they are different is that the only child is a super or extreme version of a firstborn. They have many of the same characteristics of firstborns, but in many ways they’re in a class by themselves. More on that in chapter 7.

Notice that regarding each major birth order, I always qualify the characteristics by saying “good bet” or “chances are.” Not all characteristics fit every person in that birth order. In fact, a firstborn may have baby characteristics, a lastborn can sometimes act like a firstborn in certain areas, and middle children may seem to be firstborns. I’ve seen onlies who you would swear were youngest children. There are reasons for these inconsistencies, which I’ll explain as we go along.

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Middle children get a bad rap—they’re often stereotyped as the black sheep, overlooked by parents and overshadowed by older and younger siblings. But certain middle child personality traits give them special, badass hidden powers.

Broken Heart Syndrome

Dr. Nicholas Christakis, M.D., The Harvard Medical School study

Our study shows that people are connected in such a fashion that the health of one person is related to the health of another,

Broken heart syndrome most often takes place in older people who have been together for a long time.

Can one really die from a broken heart?

Is dying from a broken heart the best way to die?

You can die of a broken heart — it’s scientific fact —

Only Child

Granville Stanley Hall; in his 1896 study, Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children,

Being an only child is a disease in itself.  Is being an only child pure love or pure indulgence?

Is being an only child a disease?  Is being an only child a blessing?

Only Child myths include: an only child is lonely, and depressed, has imaginary friends to balance out their loneliness, violent and pushy, selfish, dependent, spoiled, does not have their own original ideas and views, lacks talent.

Being an only child is a disease.

Only child myths have been debunked.

Only children are no different than those with siblings.

…Chinese children do worse in [social skills] tests than British and American children because of [China’s] “one-child” policy.

Parenting
Bella DePaulo Ph.D., Children of Single Mothers: How Do They Really Fare?

The best living arrangement of all (with regard to substance abuse) included three adults – typically, mom, dad, and a grandparent.

Is a broken family always bad?  Is having a grandparent always good?

59% of children will live in a single parent household at some point in their formative years.

Having both parents and at least one grand parent is the best family living arrangement.

More than half of American children will live in a single parent household at some point in their formative years.

Do the best children come from households with three familial adults?  Do single parent families produce the worst kids.

Children of single mothers had substance problems only 1% greater than the children of two biological parents.

Children of single mothers had substance problems — 5.7% — and how similar the number was for the children of two biological parents — 4.5%. A difference of about one percentage point is not a very big return on twice the love, attention, and resources.

Bad Parents

It would actually be a lot easier to talk about “good dads” in the Bible, rather than the “bad dads,” because there were a LOT of bad dads, but very few good ones.

The Bible talks about bad dads.

Divorce

Humans tend to remember emotional events, so if your parents divorced, the emotional tumult will act as an anchor within your interior seascape.

Media

”Hollywood is significantly responsible for the infantilization of America,” says Leon Wieseltier, the cultural editor of The New Republic. ”Almost all those movies that are not suitable for children are irredeemably childish.”

The Bible and Family (Matthew 10:34-36)

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.  For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.  And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

Parenting’s Most Important Role

Aristotle said that a parent’s primary duty should develop a child’s capacity to reason about, and to understand, what is right and what is wrong.  If a single parent has favorites but teaches each to reason right from wrong has that parented righted the wrong of favoritism?  Does good reasoning trump bad parenting?  Can abused children reason their way out of their past?

Family Roles

The Hero is usually the oldest child in the family and their role is to over achieve, to be over responsible.

Often the youngest child in the family assumes the role of Mascot.

The Scapegoat brings the family together in a perverse way, and can make them feel good about themselves by comparison.

The Lost Child goes unnoticed and can disappear for hours.

1. Enabler

The enabler means well but their efforts are counterproductive – for the addict and for themselves. This person is usually the closest to the addicted person, and their aim is to help the addict. But the reality is that they do things that allow the addicted person to continue their behavior without facing the consequences. For example, they might cover up or make excuses for the addict’s behavior at work or school or with friends. Or the enabler will take care of tasks that should be attended to by the addict, like paying bills, or work around the house, or getting the car serviced – or a hundred other things that the addict should be taking care of but is unable or unwilling to do. The enabler does all this because it is painful for them to confront the reality of their predicament and is desperate to protect themselves and their family. In the end, though, the enabler is left exhausted and angry – and the addict is no closer to getting better. In fact, the addict is getting the message that they don’t have to confront their drug problem because someone will always be there to save them.

 

2. Hero

This person is usually the oldest child in the family and their role is to over achieve, to be over responsible. They will typically be model students and, later, very career-oriented. In families wracked by shame and guilt over addiction in the home, here is a family member they can point to with pride. This child may take on the responsibilities of the addict father and become the family breadwinner at an early age. Or he may become the surrogate husband, giving his mother the emotional support she should be getting from her spouse. Heroes are seen as having it all together, as being mature and responsible. The price for putting all their energy into achieving, though, is that these heroes of the family rarely feel good inside. Instead of being in touch with who they are and what they require, they have sacrificed their emotional lives trying to preserve the family unit.

 

3. Scapegoat

In families made dysfunctional by addiction, one of the children will assume the role of the troublesome child. Here is someone whose bad behavior can be acknowledged by family members – unlike that of the addict. The scapegoat brings the family together in a perverse way, and can make them feel good about themselves by comparison. This child also provides family members with a focus that enables them to avoid facing their own problems. In a situation at the breaking point with stress over the addict’s behavior, the scapegoat becomes a means of releasing anger and frustration.

 

4. Lost Child

This role is assumed by the child who has decided that the best way of surviving in the home made unsafe by addiction is to keep a low profile. This child is often the one who has not received as much love and care as his siblings. The lost child goes unnoticed and can disappear for hours. They learn not to ask questions that might upset others, and they recognize that the best way to avoid attracting critical attention is to keep to themselves. Because they are “out of sight, they are also out of mind”, and usually feel unimportant.

 

5. Mascot

Often the youngest child in the family assumes this role. By the time this child comes along, the family dynamic has deteriorated to a serious state of dysfunction. This is the child who is coddled and kidded, who is a source of amusement for family members. The older siblings are well practiced in their various compensatory survival roles, and their tendency is to want to protect the youngest member. They may withhold information from this child and pretend for his sake that all is well. Yet despite all the efforts to protect this child from the truth, he cannot help but discover over time that something is drastically wrong with his family dynamic. Though he may not be able to name it as addiction, it affects him just the same.

 

 

Opportunity vs Potential

I am an old resolved man in a new irresolute world.  I can’t accept that I am passe, yet I must.  I loath the the new rude, still I have no choice but to embrace them.  My accommodation of youth’s rampant avarice seems endless and empty, but it is the only tool I have in my meager chest.  Survival in a social world that does not respect prior generations, let alone value the accumulated wisdom acquired through time honored failures.  It is with these impressions that I endeavor to write about elements of The Generation Gap.

The Joseph E. Stiglitz’ article in Project Syndicate, titled The New Generation Gap, examines some of the reasons for the Gap.  Nobel laureate Stiglitz sees voting patterns on both sides of the Atlantic divided less by income, education, and gender and more by generation.  The chasm dividing the old and young is the difference between their accumulated past and their narrowing future.  To the old, the Cold War and failed social experiments are realities alive in their memory.  To the young, the Cold War is a stale slice of history and the failures of the past are moldy mounds of ancient lessons learned in spreading a green patina over a second look, and with no reigning reason to discount, let alone rebuke.  Socialism’s concern for all collections of people on this earth and ecology’s care for the each of earth’s species in their environment resonates with a great many individuals, if with only a few world leaders.

The older generation expected to be better off than their parents and even to take care of those aging parents.  The new generation expects to be better off with their parents and even to be taken care of by their aging parents.  Today’s young do not ponder which job to take but which job will take them.  They do not project how soon their job will allow them to buy a house but, rather, if it will afford them enough income to “game on” after making their student loan payments.  Retirement to the young is an obscure almost mythical land which always frightens the old – and for different reasons.  While the upper-middle class young may have inheritance as the only glow in their future, it is a dependence they probably resent, albeit a future immensely greater than the young middle and under-class majority with no inherent future.

So many did everything right (obey, study, listen), then watchedd those Baby-boomers and Gen-Xers, guilty of wrong-doing, walk away with mega-bonuses.  The high percentage of those who excelled in school see promises of prosperity come true – but only for the top 1%.  Injustice, inequalities, and distrust define our times to the young.  In Europe, center-left and center-right parties are seen as “more of the same” – and the centers are losing elections!  While in America, Republican candidates compete on demagoguery, directed at the aging generations; and Democratic candidates propose changes that could make a real difference for the younger generations, but can not get those ideals through congress.  Democratic candidates’ proposals would prevent the financial system from preying on the already precarious young, as an example.  Home ownership, retirement, and good paying jobs are out of reach objects for the the young – and they aren’t getting any closer.  Recognition by the older generation is part of the problem.  And part of the anger.

I found Mr. Stiglitz article informative without being comprehensive or convincing because he seemed to be reflecting his own opinions and not those of the young generations he spoke for and about.  I would have liked to see more direct input from the Millennial constituency and a more balanced bite-back of those who are accused of holding the young ones in check.  This subject is ever changing and evolving.  About the time the definition of a generation is starting to firm up – when it gets its name! – a new generation with a new identity has been delivered and the examination and dissection starts up again.

Quotations about the Generations:

GenX

For women, the sting of early-onset ageism hits hardest—men don’t seem to have a shelf life on relevance.  Is there a shelf life of relevance for women?  Is this an idea relevant only to Gen X?  Men do have a shelf life and it’s usually around the house, they do less, want more and are much too ungrateful.

Generation X—typically defined as those born between 1964 and 1980— I’m sensitive to stereotypes that we’re somehow tired and already “over” as we hit midlife.  Are Gen Xers over the hill or on top of it?  Are Gen Xers already at the bottom of the hill and heading underground?

Xers (Gen X = the “13th generation”) are the people who will tear/are tearing down the entrenched institutions of the Boomers (born 1946 and 1964), while the Millennials (a person reaching young adulthood around the year 2000) will be the ones to rebuild from the rubble and return order to the resulting chaos.  Are Boomers getting too much credit for the future debt crisis?  Are Xers in the trenches tearing down foundations fast enough to resuscitate the slowly suffocating earth?  Shouldn’t Millennials build something new instead of rebuilding from generational rubble?

 

Millenials

Leslie Anne Tarabella, mother of a 25 year-old ~ Attention everyone; in case you didn’t already know, we are no longer dealing with the greatest generation.  Are millenials not as smart or just as smart but in different things?  Should one’s expectations of different generations be modified? Dropped? Maintained?  Are there indications that Millennials will eventually become a Greater Generation?

Traditionalists

2nd Lt. John R. Pedevillano, age 93, WWII veteran and POW ~ There were 16 million other people in the service.  They’d done just as much as I did and deserved everything I’ve gotten.  What word describes this man’s sentiment?  He says he got what others deserved.  Does he feel humbled, ashamed or blessed?  How do you feel after reading this?

Baby Boomers

Gene Marks, Philly Magazine ~ Baby Boomers are, thank God, the last reminders of our racist, homophobic, sexist past.  Is “last reminders” accurate?  Are racist, homophobic, sexist attitudes passing away in this America?  In this town?  In this room?

The New Rude
Do you forget to RSVP? Or accept knowing you won’t turn up? How about cancelling with a two-word text?  You could be from any generation but if you are guilty of the above, you are a member of The New Rude Generation.

This is a review of an editorial by Laura Moe on the Creative Nonfiction website Issue #12, 1999.  The article is titled, “About the Author: Leaf Seligman”.  I found each paragraph quotable and this led me to change my thoughts for the day and write about this article.

Leaf Seligman: The very best creative nonfiction tells us about stuff we never would have known about.  This quote grabbed me because I am used to having my own true life commentaries interrupted by those who state the obvious.  There will always be greater and lesser, it goes without saying, so why should I be preempted because someone else has story that is more extreme or tragic than my own current dilemma?  The answer is that people want attention.  All of us want attention.  But the antidote to loneliness isn’t talking about yourself.  Listen!

Leaf Seligman: We all have stories in us that need to be written, but it doesn’t necessarily need to be read.  This one threw me for a loop.  At first, I wondered if this was just rhetorical language but I need to give it a chance.  If her words are taken at face value with no interpolation or assumptions, what could possibly need to be recorded for posterity but not ever read by anyone?  I’m thinking it is the thing we want most forgotten but which must be forever remembered.  The thing that broke us, hurt us, made us give up all hope.  Of course if we are still able to write about them then we were not broken but mended, not hurt but helped, not forsaken but saved.  These are the things that need to be written down for posterity but we might reluctantly read for fear of an emotional unwrap.

You can’t make art out of pain on the same day.  I thought about this one.  When you are savoring the fruits of survival on a breezy overlook with a cool drink and a fresh friend, these are not the result of wise choices or great luck.  There is an old-you that died and decayed and descended and you have grown out of that death and decomposition.  Hallelujah!  That overlook would not be possible without the underworld of terror you went through in your transformation from lost lamb to reigning ram.  Know that every lost pursuit had a foundering purpose and that the person you were pursuing will eventually be the person you will become – if you remember your path.

If you want to be a better prose writer, write as much poetry as you can, and likewise.  I like this because I like poetry.  Well, aphorisms and lyrics and rhymes.  No one has accused me of writing legitimate poetry but there are people who wish I would stop.  Sometimes I take a thought or a thought from a poem, and expand it in a poetic many.  For me this is a way to get to the essence of the thought.  Once I have arrive at an essence that rings true to my sentiments, then I can go back an work on the prose the will expand and detail it.  Give it life here on earth in simple words that began with ethereal poetry.

All that matters is… how you remember it.  OK, another tough one.  This quote, I think, has to do with what reality taught you, not what reality did.  Can you feel me?  It doesn’t matter whether your midget race car was red with white wheels or white with red wheels, but it does matter that you raced until you eighty pounds too heavy to fit into the cockpit and that you met your first love at the race track and when you both outgrew your individual cockpits you fell out of those stressed and straining vehicles and fell into each others groping and grasping arms.  Falling in love always involves a falling out if your life is at all on track.

Sometimes it takes other people to tell you what your writing is about.  Amen here.  I have been perfectly thrilled with my writing until a barely attentive writing group pointed out that I had used all three tense in three consecutive sentences.  That I had head-hopped to the extent no knew who killed, screwed, lied to who.  That my subtext had taken my readers to a very different place than I intended – a very disturbing and disgusting place which said more about me than I wanted to know.  Have someone look at your stuff, not just for grammar, but for lucidity.  Trust me on this.  Don’t listen to the rare geniuses who don’t need editors.

I would not have gotten better as a writer without people saying “Ok, Leaf this does work, but this doesn’t.”  Again, genuine criticism is gold. It goes without saying that quick criticism is almost always interpolation if not jealousy.  If the criticism rings true, put it in your pocket.  If it wrings you, tell them to stuff it.

“When I read my early work, I realize they were really broth, not stew. It’s really humbling and gratifying to reread something six months later and see how you could make it better.”  I with her.  So was Shakespeare.  Taking something that was already written in the past and making it better is almost guaranteed.  You have matured and learned and perfected.  Look back and do the same for your prose.

“Whatever is most pressing will scratch at the door and it will tell you when to let it in, and out. Write what compels you most and find the time and space to do it. Make everything you write a love letter to the world.”  Ain’t that the truth.  Someone’s scratching at your door?  Creative Nonfiction?  Someone’s  ringin’ your bell?  Absurdism?  Do me a favor.  Let ’em in.